We like recognition for a job well done, and so do children. It is perfectly natural to delight in every little thing your toddler does, he is cute and funny and is doing new tricks every single day, so how can you resist telling your child how clever he is?
We do need to be cautious when dishing out praise though. While a spontaneous, Wow! What a clever kid! won’t do any harm, if you heap on the praise for every breath your child takes, you run the risk of setting up a great expectations trap. This can mean that, as your child grows, he feels he has to keep performing to be accepted and loved. This can contribute to a fear of failure, which may mean that your child is so dependent on the approval of others that he may be afraid to try new things.
Positive Praise
Instead of gushing, What a lovely painting! it is better to offer realistic compliments: admire the bright blue sky or the very wiggly lines or tell your child, What a lot of colours you have used, I can’t wait to hang this up on the wall.
Another positive way to offer praise without overdoing it is a process called mirroring which involves naming exactly what a child has done. By mirroring back to your child what he or she has done (You have climbed five steps on the ladder, all by yourself!, You sat very quietly while I was talking to the nurse), you are giving them tangible evidence of their efforts, not just empty words that may or may not be believable to them. You can extend mirroring to
include a quality: You are so patient for letting me talk without interrupting. Other examples could be: Thank you for remembering to shut the car door. That was very responsible, or Good sharing, that is so kind. This helps nourish your child’s identity so that he will begin to think of himself as a genuinely competent person, seeing himself as kind, responsible, generous, helpful, funny, strong and whatever other positive labels you choose to describe his efforts.
This positive praise is far more powerful than empty praise that can see your child undermined the first time another child says, What a dumb block tower. Because your child will have tangible evidence that he really is competent, his self-esteem will not be dependent on constant recognition and he won’t crumple like a stack of blocks with the slightest hint of disapproval.
Another small but important caution about dishing out praise is to remember to notice your child being good. How often do we ignore good (read, convenient) behaviour, but notice the smallest mistake?
For more strategies to make magic from mayhem during the toddler years, see Pinky McKay’s new book Toddler Tactics (Penguin 2008) or visit Pinky’s website
