Your intention is to motivate a child or employee to do better. You are clear in your mind what you want to achieve and the behavior that you want changed. You expect to be listened to and obeyed! You are right and they are wrong. Someday, they will be grateful that you cared enough to show them what they were doing incorrectly.
Sound familiar? When a situation calls for feedback, we tend to justify our position and come at the situation from a power standpoint. This tends to put the other person in a defensive status and what may have started out as a visit turns into a confrontation, with words and emotions expressed that are not helpful.
Criticism is Hurtful
Ridiculing someone is to mock by making fun or dismissing them in a contemptuous way. Sometimes the ridicule may be verbal as in a criticism; “You just can’t get this through your thick head, can you?” The disrespect may be done in a completely non-verbal but powerful way; rolling your eyes, crossing your arms and leaning back, smirking or looking away when the other person is talking.
Feedback is Helpful
Feedback is intended to provide helpful information for future decisions and development. If you feel that you need to offer pointers on how something should be done, first ask if they would like feedback. If it is offered without judgment or personal attacks, most people will welcome, or at least receive it.
Using the old sales jargon, you can sell any idea without making the recipient feel badly. “I know you feel that it was a hard assignment. I have felt that way when I was asked to do something for the first time and I didn’t understand the instructions. However, I found that when I went back and read the instructions or ask for an explanation, it was much easier and I was able to understand what the boss wanted and was able to do it.”
What’s Right, Not What’s Wrong
If you want positive behavior with your family and friends, encourage what is good and downplay what is wrong or unacceptable. When you focus on something, right or wrong, you will get more of it. It is called the Law of Attraction.
Verbal or spoken language is the communication of information. Most people only remember about 20% of what is said. Non verbal or body language is the communication of relationships. People look at your facial expressions to see how you really feel about what you are saying and the person you are saying it to. They listen to your tone of voice to gauge how sincere you are.
Mutual respect is foundation of strong, healthy relationships
As you work with your family relationships, you will see that criticism and ridicule does not give you the positive results you were hoping for. Respect and kind feedback is much more effective at motivating people and projects than criticism and ridicule.
(c) Judy H. Wright also known as Auntie Artichoke, family relationship coach and author.
You are invited to join us for Thursday morning teleclasses and radio shows at www.ArtichokePress.com You will be glad you did.
