“If we are to raise happy, healthy well adjusted children, then we as parents must lead happy, healthy, well adjusted lives.” Years ago, I authored that saying and certainly, the message lends itself to the fundamentals of parenting, that if we are to raise our kids correctly then we have to demonstrate acceptable behavior ourselves. Simply put, we must lead our brood by positive example.
Our children have the right to a solid foundation from which to springboard into adulthood. It is our responsibility as parents and society for that matter to guide them and demonstrate the behaviors that are acceptable in raising them properly. Sadly, some parents just do not comprehend that concept and continue to exhibit their own poor conduct.
They continue to believe that if their kids are not listening to what they are saying then certainly they must not be watching what they are doing either; nothing could be further from the truth. Frankly, if you lack the self-control to set the tone then you are enabling your children to self-destruct.
For example, do you really think you are being a good role model when on a Saturday morning while driving your daughter to soccer practice you begin a conversation about smoking? You explain to her the health issues it can lead to especially lung cancer. You make clear how expensive smoking is, you describe the smelly after effects, the addictiveness of nicotine and you spell out the bazillion other problems the habit can cause as you yourself light up the last of twenty in a pack of Marlboro’s.
Are you really being a positive influence in your childs life when after chugging down a 12 pack during a Sunday afternoon of watching football you decide this would be a great teaching moment for little Johnny. Therefore, with slurred speech, bloodshot eyes and the smell of stale beer pouring from your breath you mention to him that alcohol is acceptable under two conditions. One you must be of legal age to drink and two, you must drink responsibly.
However, during half time, pie eyed and half in the bag, you find you have depleted your supply of Bud Light. So as Johnny watches, you stagger out to the car climb behind the wheel and weave your way to the corner store to purchase another rack?
Professionally speaking I have thousands of examples regarding parents demonstrating poor leadership skills however; this one sticks out in my mind.
A few years ago, a young man injected his girlfriend with an overdose of heroin and was convicted for her death. After a lengthy trail, the jury returned with a guilty verdict and sentenced him to 10 years to life at the New Hampshire State Prison.
Unbelievably, while on a visit his mother attempted to smuggle marijuana into the prison for him and she herself was arrested.
Thinking back to the time I was a police officer in Newton, New Hampshire I dealt with this individuals mother on numerous occasions so it was not surprising that the poor choices she was making at the time would come back to haunt her.
Predictably, her lack of discretion manifested itself into poor parenting skills enabling her own son to travel the same path leading to his own self-destruction through drugs and alcohol, which inevitably lead to his incarceration.
Decades of research regarding at-risk children and poor parenting has proven that parents who enable their children and fail to lead by positive example are products of the same environment they place their own children, it is a hapless cycle to which there are no easy solutions. However, in order to fix the kid, you have to fix the parent(s) here are a few suggestions.
1) Take a parenting class. Your local high schools and colleges always offer parenting classes at reduced costs they cover the basics but give you insight, suggestions and resources to help you deal with problems, especially teen issues.
2. Plug in. Plug yourself in to the things that will build you own self-esteem and confidence. Read positive books, listen to self-help tapes and positive music and surround yourself with you own positive peer group.
3. Follow the positive successful example of others. Join the PTA or other groups and become involved with parents who are successful in raising their children, from them you will learn what works and what does not.
Taking the first step to breaking the bad habits that can lead to poor parenting skills can be difficult. Nevertheless, if you want to lead your kids to a better life you have to make sacrifices because it is not about you it is about them.
So begin right now and show your children you are willing to show them the way. Throw away your Marlboros, place the beer on ice for another time, allow your children to accept the consequences of their actions and whatever you do, do not attempt to smuggle pot into a State prison it is really not the happy, healthy, well-adjusted thing to do.
Rick Labell is a keynote speaker and author. He has taken his professional experiences of a 25-year law enforcement career and his own personal story of a violent alcoholic family to educate students about staying safe. You can contact him at: http://www.labellpresentations.com
